Motherhood Overwhelm and How to Find Balance

Online, you see mothers conquering their domain with a perfectly clean house and joyful moments. This image might have popped up in your head - the perfect mother. In reality, a perfect mother does not exist, and yet, it is really hard to shake the "I am not doing enough" internal voice. As a therapist, I have mindfulness tools at my disposal to help navigate difficult moments, and yet, I get overwhelmed every single day. Juggling the demands placed on a mother to parent her children, to work, to clean the house, to organize the house, to do the laundry (and to put the clean clothes away), to cook, and provide snacks. On top of all that, you try to maintain your personal life, keep up with friends, maybe schedule playdates, and connect with your romantic partner. It is exhausting, and I find myself, like other mothers, struggling with the overwhelm. I'd like to share some of the things I do as a therapist to wrangle the chaotic feeling of overwhelm.

Understanding Motherhood Overwhelm

Motherhood overwhelm presents itself through stress, anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy. There is an internal and societal pressure to be perfect. The truth is, for all humans trying to balance household chores, meeting children’s needs, and fulfilling work commitments, life is far from perfect. According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, 54% of mothers reported feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities.

Common signs of this overwhelm include irritability, exhaustion, and a feeling of losing control. It is important to recognize when you start to feel overwhelmed and then pause. Just pause. Observe your body's reaction. Are your shoulders getting higher or tighter? Do you sense panic? Is it difficult to catch your breath? Notice these sensations, feel all those yucky feelings, and let them go. When I find myself going a little crazy, I try to pause, feel my feelings, and then remind myself it is OKAY. It is okay to have a messy house because my family lives here; therefore, things will get messy. I remind myself I can get the tasks done later.

Breathing

It goes without saying that taking deep breaths helps reduce feelings of overwhelm. The key is learning how to take a breath. Overwhelm and anxiety like to steal our oxygen levels by taking small shallow breaths, which fuel the anxiety further. I practice the "flower - flower - bubbles" breath. It is a technique used for somatic processing. For this, imagine a beautiful flower you are about to smell - you take a big inhale in like you are smelling this beautiful flower. HOLD your breath by pausing for one second, then continue to breathe again, visualizing that flower again. Then slowly exhale through your mouth as if blowing out the bubbles. In short, you breathe in through your nose - hold it - breathe in through your nose - hold it - breathe out through your mouth slowly until you have no more air left in your lungs. Repeat this 5 times. This method of breathing gives your brain more oxygen, which may make you feel a little bit dizzy. This is normal! But it is a good sign you just gave your brain a healthy dose of oxygen, which signals to your brain that everything is okay. It is a great way to restart your nervous system back to realizing that you are a capable human being.

Gentleness and Self Compassion

Practicing gentleness and self-compassion is my biggest tool I utilize during moments of overwhelm. It feels empowering to let go of the inner critic's voice saying "you can't handle this" by reminding myself how difficult it is to balance everything with two young children. Some people advise self-care by exercising and taking a long bath, etc. The truth is, most mothers are barely able to remember to take care of themselves throughout the day. So - it is okay to struggle, it is okay to feel crazy or not enough because it means you are a human being that feels emotions. Of course, taking alone time to exercise or read would help with motherhood overwhelm. If you can do it, great! If you are struggling to find time for yourself every day, that's okay too. You only need a moment to take a breath and give yourself some self-compassion. I like to place my hand on my heart during a difficult moment and repeat to myself "You are enough," "A messy house does not mean I am a bad mother," "I am a good mother," or "I can do this later," etc. Whatever you need to hear in that moment, you can give to yourself in that moment because you deserve it.

It might be helpful to reflect on what has gone well today. What moments you enjoyed during the day. What you are looking forward to. Celebrate small victories, lean on your support network, and know it is okay to not be perfect. Perfection is an image that has been trying to destroy women for centuries, so know that you are too valuable as a mother to let it destroy you. Overwhelm is a feeling, it will pass.

On a side note, if overwhelm feels too big and scary, like it would be impossible to pause and give yourself gentleness, I would encourage you to seek professional help such as a support group or professional counseling. When the feeling of overwhelm leads to your body freezing or more anxiety buildup that will not go away, for me, it shows that the body is letting you know that you need extra support at this time.